Going to the movies has officially killed going to the movies. At least for me it has. The theaters are being overrun with people who are so stuck in their own world the other 22 hours of the day that they aren’t aware of others around them long enough to shut up and enjoy a film. I did not arrive at this conclusion and rash decision to ban movie-going from my life all in one night. Let me start at the beginning.
I feel like back in the day (which was not really that far back) the only annoyance at the movies was the occasional chatter or, more recently, a cell phone that someone forgot to silence in their excitement to watch a much anticipated film. Both are forgivable and happened sparsely. But it has progressed, or rather digressed, to the point that I think I may have to give up going to the movies all together. I feel like every time I go to the movies there is someone around me that is irritating the HELL out of me. Someone who puts their feet all over the back of my seat. The person who explains the movie to the person they’re with (which is only acceptable in a handful of scenarios). That tall guy that could sit ANYWHERE else in the theater, but decides to sit right in front of me. The cell phone chick, whose paranoia over missing any and all text messages and facebook updates keeps her glued more to the screen she is trying to conceal in her purse rather than the football field sized one in front of her face. That thick-waisted individual who chooses to join you in your movie watching experience…and I use “join” literally, because no matter how they sit, half of their hiney is on or in your lap. And the list of deviants goes on… Sure, dealing with one of these is bad enough, but these misfits are taking over the world, one motion picture at a time.
Tonight we went to see the final Harry Potter movie. A movie I have anxiously awaited since I started reading the series a dozen years ago. Of course, it did not disappoint. It was amazing and I would willingly watch it again and again. What I was disappointed in was the fact that this film cost the hubby and I thirty-seven dollars and fifty cents to see. Yes, for that grand price we got two tickets, two sodas, and a small popcorn. After purchasing these things, and seriously considering whether we soon would have to take out a second mortgage to pay for the next movie we would come to see, we took our pick of seats. We, like few others it seems, arrived at the theater early to pick our seats. There are pros and cons to this…namely that while we get our choice, I have a heart attack every time someone comes in, stands at the stairs and hesitates. I am just convinced that they are thinking about a seat next to me, no matter how many other seats are open. And then I can breathe a sigh of relief when they keep walking up the stairs or sit a few seats down. But, inevitably, when you are seeing a new movie, the theater is packed and someone will grace you with the presence.
Tonight we had an assortment of characters that nearly killed me mid-film:
>Annoying Teen Couple: They were the first to sit behind us and we were immediately, and involuntarily, enveloped into their dramatic lives. Laced with inexplicably salty language, we heard all about who was cheating on who and “I can’t believe she’s mad at me” and “they’d better not come and sit next to us” and blah blah blah blah. I couldn’t even hear my thoughts, but I imagine that it mostly consisted of praying they would have the good sense to shut up once the movie started. For the most part they were quiet, but I think, judging from the firefly type glow coming from behind me, she was texting. Thankfully she wasn’t in front of me, or I might have had to throw a Twizzler at her head.
>The Seat Stealer: I knew this family was bad news as soon as they came in during the previews. The threesome consisted of Mom, Dad and a Son way too young to be seeing a 2 and ½ hour movie at 9:45 pm on any night. From the way they paused at the bottom of the stair case, blocking traffic with their confusion, I knew it was over. I glanced at the three empty seats next to me and my fate was sealed. As they slow-mo walked in front of us to climb the stairs and scoot into those seats, I was crossing my fingers and hoping against all hopes that the Mom would not be next to me. I know I am not the smallest in the hip department, but this woman put me to shame. She squished into my neighboring seat and made a pathetic attempt to lean more towards her husband and I tried with all my might to lean into Brian, committing myself to at least two solid hours of a crooked spine and numb elbow. I was able to enjoy sharing half a ham hock with her for the entirety of the film. Overjoyed as it were.
>The Soccer Star: This one is simple. Kicking. Lots of it. Apparently my seat choice is always appetizing to people with active legs. Because I always get kicked and pushed. I swear to God I one time had to tell a guy off because he had taken off his shoes and put his sweaty sock covered foot in that space between me and the seat next to me. After it touched me I flipped out. This time wasn’t quite so bad. I didn’t get a good look at whoever it was, but they were quite active. What about me says foot fetish exactly?!
>Mr. Play by Play: This guy I have saved for last for a reason. He was perhaps my favorite. For some odd reason, this guy brought his son, who apparently did not understand ANYTHING and had maybe never seen a movie or understood that a movie has a plot and tells a story. He was not that young. Maybe 8 or 9. But about half way through the movie, this Dad starts explaining everything about the movie. And not whispering, just full on talking. And he wouldn’t just explain the obvious “Look, he is standing there” or “He has a sword”, he would say things and explain what would happen 11 scenes from now. “Oh, he has a hat and the sword is in it and he’s going to take the sword and kill that snake”. This guy KILLED me. I can only imagine him at home watching movies with his family, and ruining everything right at the beginning of the movie: Öh, that Bruce Willis guy is really dead. The godfather dies. Lt. Dan loses his legs. I can only say that I hope I never see this guy again because I was quite ready to hurt him. OH, and major plot twist…the person kicking my chair was his son. Presumably he was just giving me the boot to take out the frustration of his dad thinking he’s an idiot.
I guess my point is that I don’t think I can go to the movies anymore. I don’t want to hear it… “Well you should just tell them to stop.” It doesn’t work. Especially in this day and age where people will shoot you because you insulted their choice in footwear. I have always enjoyed films and everything that has to do with going to the movies. But when I am paying nearly $50 on average to go to a film, I don’t think its too much to expect that everyone else should just put their annoying habits on hold for 2 hours any enjoy the movie with me. So instead of turning into one of those annoying people myself, I think I’ll just stay home and enjoy it when it eventually comes out on home video.
I feel like back in the day (which was not really that far back) the only annoyance at the movies was the occasional chatter or, more recently, a cell phone that someone forgot to silence in their excitement to watch a much anticipated film. Both are forgivable and happened sparsely. But it has progressed, or rather digressed, to the point that I think I may have to give up going to the movies all together. I feel like every time I go to the movies there is someone around me that is irritating the HELL out of me. Someone who puts their feet all over the back of my seat. The person who explains the movie to the person they’re with (which is only acceptable in a handful of scenarios). That tall guy that could sit ANYWHERE else in the theater, but decides to sit right in front of me. The cell phone chick, whose paranoia over missing any and all text messages and facebook updates keeps her glued more to the screen she is trying to conceal in her purse rather than the football field sized one in front of her face. That thick-waisted individual who chooses to join you in your movie watching experience…and I use “join” literally, because no matter how they sit, half of their hiney is on or in your lap. And the list of deviants goes on… Sure, dealing with one of these is bad enough, but these misfits are taking over the world, one motion picture at a time.
Tonight we went to see the final Harry Potter movie. A movie I have anxiously awaited since I started reading the series a dozen years ago. Of course, it did not disappoint. It was amazing and I would willingly watch it again and again. What I was disappointed in was the fact that this film cost the hubby and I thirty-seven dollars and fifty cents to see. Yes, for that grand price we got two tickets, two sodas, and a small popcorn. After purchasing these things, and seriously considering whether we soon would have to take out a second mortgage to pay for the next movie we would come to see, we took our pick of seats. We, like few others it seems, arrived at the theater early to pick our seats. There are pros and cons to this…namely that while we get our choice, I have a heart attack every time someone comes in, stands at the stairs and hesitates. I am just convinced that they are thinking about a seat next to me, no matter how many other seats are open. And then I can breathe a sigh of relief when they keep walking up the stairs or sit a few seats down. But, inevitably, when you are seeing a new movie, the theater is packed and someone will grace you with the presence.
Tonight we had an assortment of characters that nearly killed me mid-film:
>Annoying Teen Couple: They were the first to sit behind us and we were immediately, and involuntarily, enveloped into their dramatic lives. Laced with inexplicably salty language, we heard all about who was cheating on who and “I can’t believe she’s mad at me” and “they’d better not come and sit next to us” and blah blah blah blah. I couldn’t even hear my thoughts, but I imagine that it mostly consisted of praying they would have the good sense to shut up once the movie started. For the most part they were quiet, but I think, judging from the firefly type glow coming from behind me, she was texting. Thankfully she wasn’t in front of me, or I might have had to throw a Twizzler at her head.
>The Seat Stealer: I knew this family was bad news as soon as they came in during the previews. The threesome consisted of Mom, Dad and a Son way too young to be seeing a 2 and ½ hour movie at 9:45 pm on any night. From the way they paused at the bottom of the stair case, blocking traffic with their confusion, I knew it was over. I glanced at the three empty seats next to me and my fate was sealed. As they slow-mo walked in front of us to climb the stairs and scoot into those seats, I was crossing my fingers and hoping against all hopes that the Mom would not be next to me. I know I am not the smallest in the hip department, but this woman put me to shame. She squished into my neighboring seat and made a pathetic attempt to lean more towards her husband and I tried with all my might to lean into Brian, committing myself to at least two solid hours of a crooked spine and numb elbow. I was able to enjoy sharing half a ham hock with her for the entirety of the film. Overjoyed as it were.
>The Soccer Star: This one is simple. Kicking. Lots of it. Apparently my seat choice is always appetizing to people with active legs. Because I always get kicked and pushed. I swear to God I one time had to tell a guy off because he had taken off his shoes and put his sweaty sock covered foot in that space between me and the seat next to me. After it touched me I flipped out. This time wasn’t quite so bad. I didn’t get a good look at whoever it was, but they were quite active. What about me says foot fetish exactly?!
>Mr. Play by Play: This guy I have saved for last for a reason. He was perhaps my favorite. For some odd reason, this guy brought his son, who apparently did not understand ANYTHING and had maybe never seen a movie or understood that a movie has a plot and tells a story. He was not that young. Maybe 8 or 9. But about half way through the movie, this Dad starts explaining everything about the movie. And not whispering, just full on talking. And he wouldn’t just explain the obvious “Look, he is standing there” or “He has a sword”, he would say things and explain what would happen 11 scenes from now. “Oh, he has a hat and the sword is in it and he’s going to take the sword and kill that snake”. This guy KILLED me. I can only imagine him at home watching movies with his family, and ruining everything right at the beginning of the movie: Öh, that Bruce Willis guy is really dead. The godfather dies. Lt. Dan loses his legs. I can only say that I hope I never see this guy again because I was quite ready to hurt him. OH, and major plot twist…the person kicking my chair was his son. Presumably he was just giving me the boot to take out the frustration of his dad thinking he’s an idiot.
I guess my point is that I don’t think I can go to the movies anymore. I don’t want to hear it… “Well you should just tell them to stop.” It doesn’t work. Especially in this day and age where people will shoot you because you insulted their choice in footwear. I have always enjoyed films and everything that has to do with going to the movies. But when I am paying nearly $50 on average to go to a film, I don’t think its too much to expect that everyone else should just put their annoying habits on hold for 2 hours any enjoy the movie with me. So instead of turning into one of those annoying people myself, I think I’ll just stay home and enjoy it when it eventually comes out on home video.
You forgot the "parents" who take no interest in what their children are doing, so you are then forced into dealing with it. To make matters worse if you say something you are now the devil because how dare you say something! Kids will be kids blah blah blah. Well that's fine and dandy, but I shouldn't have deal with kids being kids. If they can't handle it there is this rather clever idea, LEAVE THEM AT HOME!!! If they are too young, then get a babysitter. Thanks have a nice day!
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